It is easy to listen when someone tells us what we want to hear. It is much harder when they tell us they felt excluded, that our tone bothered them, or that they did not feel their opinion mattered.
In moments like these, we often feel an immediate urge to explain ourselves. “That’s not what I meant.” “That wasn’t my intention.” That may be completely true. The problem is often not the explanation itself, but the fact that it comes too soon.
While the other person is trying to tell us how they experienced something, we are already thinking about why we acted the way we did. They are talking about impact, while we are talking about intention, and that is where the conversation can easily shut down.
Sometimes we may intend to be direct, but come across as harsh. We may believe we gave someone enough space, while they still experienced the conversation as if they had not truly been heard.
This does not mean we have to agree with every piece of feedback we receive. It simply means we can hear it first and that is not always easy.
When we feel criticized or misunderstood, the body often reacts before we have had time to think. Our shoulders tense, our breathing becomes shallower, discomfort appears, and while the other person is still speaking, we are already preparing our response.
That is exactly where a small shift can make a difference: not rushing, staying in the conversation a little longer, and saying, “Tell me more.” “How did that affect you?” or simply, “I want to understand first.”
This does not mean giving up our own perspective. It simply means changing the order.
First, we listen. Then, we explain.
For leaders, this is especially important because people quickly learn what they can say openly and what may feel safer to keep to themselves. If every uncomfortable piece of feedback is immediately met with an explanation or a defence, the problems may not disappear. There may simply be fewer honest conversations about them.
Perhaps next time, before saying, “That’s not what I meant,” it is worth pausing and asking: “What else do I need to hear before I respond?”
